Vian extensively writes about her to apologize for having criticized her spiritual guide. She describes herself as someone whose behavior is self-centered and restless with a tendency to violence :
"... I was easily provoked to irritation and found it hard to relax ...
... strong destructive pride grew and I thought I was special ...
... my savage ego still tries to assert itself ...
... Instead of just leaving quietly and processing calmly my feelings, like someone stable would do ...
... the way an arson sets fire to something they no longer wish to see ...
... my lack of calm and emotional stability ...
... This was said in anger and spite ...
... I was deeply angered ...
... I was enslaved by lust ...
... I maintained full control, doing whatever my whimsical mind wanted no matter what the repercussions ...
... assertive about getting what I wanted ..."
Her self-esteem is extremely low. She depicts herself as some kind of inferior or underdevelopped being, like an animal or a child. She is not able to bear her own self.
"... a wild animal in the house as it would tear the place apart and might hurt someone ...
... a wild, rebellious animalistic child ...
... trying to have a meaningful conversation with a two year old, they just don’t have the capacity to understand ...
... trapped in an early developmental stage ...
... this misery of a robotic ego charade ...
... what a fool I was ...
... frightening to see just who I am and who I pretend to be ..."
The way she sees life is extremely negative. Anxiety, darkness and suffering await at every level.
"... I was confused and afraid as I was always obsessed ...
... desperate, survival-stress vibes of a city ...
... My ego and negativities kept me in the dark so completely ...
... a selfish life devoted to pleasure and finding nothing but stress and pain ...
... We are bound to suffer in this world ...
... Either way we suffer ..."
Why does she see herself as a miserable thing doomed to suffer for this whole lifetime? Where does it come from? According to her, this despair originates from childhood.
"... It’s hard to let go of something that got me through my impacted childhood ...
... I had a very traumatic childhood ...
... like a mother tolerates her child ..."Usually mothers don't tolerate their children, they are supposed to love them. Indeed it sounds like Vian's childhood hasn't been as harmonious as one would expect.
What to do? How to heal from this traumatic childhood? She has chosen to heal with violence!
"... I couldn’t even do the simplest mental tasks, like stopping criticism and enmity towards others when they arise ...
... Despite knowing this my savage ego still tries to assert itself. By cultivating respect and regard this is subdued, I think ...
... free ourselves from the self-inflicted torture of grasping to some other confused, suffering fellow traveller ...
... they are struggling like me for release ...
... It takes some effort and I was putting forth zero much of the time ...
... I didn’t understand the role that effort plays nor did I understand how important self-control was ...
... We can suffer for our own desires and self-centered activities or we suffer for enlightenment/service to others ...
... the reason we westerners even have the slightest inclination to spirituality and a thirst for higher knowledge is because we aren’t suffering from physical thirst ..."Efforts! Stopping! Subduing! Grasping! Suffering! Struggling! Self-control! She wants to destroy the pain by force. Punching bruises don't help in any way to cure them. Many counselors are there to accommodate such people with psychological issues. Why not consutling one of them?
That is the moment when it becomes dangerous. Instead of working patiently with a therapist to cure the mental wounds one by one, some people can be attracted by the "divine" solution to ease the pain faster right here right now. That is when someone who pretends to be what she is not, is likely to bring about more damages. The "mother of compassion" shines like THE solution for people who are deeply suffering.
"... The ego wants to see Amma as equal but if you have the fortune to see a fraction of Amma’s true being then it is quickly apparent that you are not equal ...
... someone with such clear awareness and total freedom from suffering ...
... it acts like a medicine ...
... She lives by example, sacrificing herself physically...
... This is just a portion of what she is doing physically. Mentally she is doing so much more ...
... Amma’s patience and guidance ...
... Amma was still giving love and connecting with every single person ...
... Amma let me join, even knowing that I would one day say all these damaging things ...
... She doesn’t need us at all as her mind dwells in a state of consciousness unknown to the masses ..."Amma sacrifices herself => she can teach how to make violent efforts to tame oneself
Amma is patient and loving => she can replace the missing family
Amma knows the future => she can teach how to get rid of anxiety
Amma is in a special state of mind => she can teach how to escape from pain
Amma is superior to the masses => she can teach how to uplift the low self-esteem
Amma is more than what the eyes can see => imagine whatever qualities you want her to be fitted with
Amma is like a medecine => no need to request a counselor
Amma ...
Unfortunately, if you read our post entitled Many backpackers who won't come back, you will see that many travelers see Amritapuri as a place filled with deluded people with psychological issues. Amma's presence is like a medecine but it is not. Those who confide in her almightiness insist on following her even if their life worsen. They believe what she parrots from the scriptures. They believe that the ego must be destroyed and that it struggles to survive thus creating additional suffering. They believe that they just need to hold on so that they will succeed one fine day. What makes them think that this fine day may ever come? Vian gives us the answer :
"sitting there for some experience… no matter how spell-binding or intoxicating it may be, it will pass"Because of the massive gatherings and the atmosphere heavily loaded with intense emotions, people have intoxicating and spell-binding experiences. They consider this as a proof that Amritanandamayi's pretenses are true, that she really is more than she seems to be, that she will perform miracles on them if they deserve it.
But as Vian says, it passes. The experiences are ephemeral and the dazzled devotees hope indefinitely for something that never comes. It would be interesting to count the number of suicides which occured among her devotees worldwide and especially at Amritapuri, but her ashram is not the open book that she pretends, we may never know the truth.
For a reason or another, some devotees manage to break the spell and get free from the bonds. They always feel the need to talk about what happened to them and warn other people against the trap that they escaped from. Sometimes, they don't succeed in managing their issues and fall back again in the clutches of the cult. And guess what? If they noisily flatten before the master, thus allowing loud advertising for the cult, they get special rewards :
"Amma has allowed me to spend time around her and it has been really rewarding"Really? Are we dreaming or what? What was Vian saying at the beginning of her letter?
"I definitely wasn’t close, in fact I was only jealous of how distant I was.
Nearly the entire time there, I vied for Amma’s attention by always taking the seat closest to her and following her closely. I always wanted to gaze upon her, unobstructed"Congratulation! She fought so hard to be noticed. She has finally succeded in getting Amritanandamayi's attention. She must be so happy! Of course she is :
"I can hold Amma in my mind positively and with gratitude"So nice! So great! Her fantasy has finally become reality. She is not healed but she has all divine eyes on her. Is she currently touring across the USA with her precious guru? Does it uplift her self-esteem a little bit? Vian lives in America, what will happen when Amritanandamayi goes back to India? Suspense fill the air...
By the way she says something strange at the end of her letter :
"I feel like writing on the blog was so much more damaging than I can conceive"Blog? What blog is she talking about? Is she so intoxicated with gratitude that she mistakes "blog" for "newsgroup"? Or has she really posted on a blog? Has she posted on Cult Of The Hugging Saint in addition to replacing the owner of examma?